poem re-write

Falling stars re-write 
Just a heads up... i'm not sure if this poem was in the packet that was given out in school.
i just googled poems and picked one that i liked. oh and i have to warn you that i am not a good poet,
the last one i wrote on my own free will was in sixth grade and went something like this;
drip drip
icy cold ice cream
drip drip
runs down my hand.

but i'm staying positive throughout this one. here goes...

Original:
Do you remember still the falling stars 
that like swift horses through the heavens raced 
and suddenly leaped across the hurdles
of our wishes--do you recall? And we 
did make so many! For there were countless numbers
of stars: each time we looked above we were 
astounded by the swiftness of their daring play, 
while in our hearts we felt safe and secure 
watching these brilliant bodies disintegrate,
knowing somehow we had survived their fall. 

My Version:

I remember the falling stars
chasing worries away across the velvet of dark 
so innocent we were as we wished
for in young minds stars can brighten all
they were grand creatures those stars
their danger flickered in our wide eyes
but we kept sight out of admiration
and let out a breath only when they died