second to last

I can’t believe how fast worship went by. It seems like we have only just meet Joy and yet I feel like I have known her for a while. I love how comfortable the class is. This helped me today because I had a chance to perform. This was only my second time performing and yet I feel like I have improved. Watching other people perform gave me the confidence to perform myself. I've been taking into account the tips and tricks we learned in class and applied them to when I practice at home. The breathing advice helped a lot. I took a deep breath before I started and I instantly felt better. I was able to get through my monologue without thinking about if I did something wrong. I just have to remember to breathe throughout the entire monologue now and not just before and after. I need to take my time and relax.  I wasn’t frustrated like I was the last time when I went up today. I'm learning to take in my mistakes as a positive because they will only help me learn. I can work on fixing my other problems now. Now that I've got the monologue memorized and analyze I can play with different ways of performing it. I do it in the same tone throughout, so it would be interesting to experiment with finding different emotions. 

workshop on friday

I didn't go again on Friday but I think that watching other people is helping me. I had the problem of forcing myself and not letting the monologue flow. Seeing the improvements in other people help me recognize what makes them better. They are better when they relax, which is true in almost everything you do. Joy keeps reminding us the importance of breathing. Like tricking your brain into thinking that you are calm, and then you become calm. Also, humans breathe, and unless we are playing some type of immortal, the character your playing is more alive when you breathe. So, I'm letting go of everything now, and just breathing. It’s a miracle what simplicity can do for you. I'm going to try not to over think things. I'm going to make simple decisions about whom I'm going to play, take a deep breath and then go for it. 

love is blind

Today I did the obvious thing that an average teenage girl would do and I saw New Moon. I honestly cannot tell you if the movie was any good. I can’t give you my opinion on the movie. I can’t even tell you if the book was good. I cant because I already feel emotionally connected with the franchise. All I remember of my time reading the books was picking them up, being sucked into this alternate universe and then being violently thrown out as soon as I read the last word. I don't really remember anything else I did while I read the series because my mind was wrapped so tightly around it. Now that’s its been almost two years since reading them, I can go back, re-read them and notice all the flaws in Stephanie Meyers writing. I know that the plot is forced and that the characters that I once thought so greatly of are nothing but depressed suicidal teenage girls, emo abusive boyfriends and ill-tempered dogs. I cannot even give you an opinion of the book knowing this now because I know that it made me smile, laugh, cry and yell. Maybe this is because the book "feeds" me. It tells me exactly what I want to hear. Haters of the franchise say that the only reason it has become popular is because it gives teenagers what they want. The perfect boy, the perfect romance, the perfect best friend. And so here I sit trying to pick apart the movie, to analyze it and see what made it good and what made it bad. But I cant. I'm lost in that alternate universe that I explored those two years ago. I'm sure that people who haven’t been affected by the vampire virus can see it for what it actually is, a movie. But for now, ill just wait till I can see clearly. Maybe that’s what makes a movie good, when you don’t know what to think afterwards. 

Workshop

Today in workshop I got the chance to see other people perform their monologues.  First they would read their monologue all the way through and then they would put the monologue down and perform their version of the subtext. Joy had us sit facing a partner so that we could feed off of their reactions just like we would if we were in the play. When they re-read their monologue for a second time it was amazing. For everyone it became a little more real, more organic. By taking away the script they were allowed to perform a little more freely, and though they did not stray from the story they each added a little more umph-for lack of a better word. I remember Nicole's character was at a loss for words and her mouth twitched because she really became overwhelmed with what the character was saying. I think this happened because she wasn’t concerned with getting the monologue done right.  

Joy said something that really stuck with me, she simply said to not try to get the audience to feel for you. That is what I was doing. I tried to make an emotional connection and the monologue was not working. I was and still am a bit frustrated. I'm not doing it the way I want to, but I'm figuring out what I'm doing wrong. See, I kept trying to bring up sad and depressed emotions because I have a more calm and depressed monologue but that isn’t the point at all. It’s like imp practically screaming, "look at how sad and pathetic this character is!" instead of just performing the damn thing.   Last workshop Joy said "maybe she isn't sad" and my mouth opened. Of course she isn’t sad. Why did I think she was? Next time it my turn to read my piece, I won’t care about getting the audience on board. 

Me so far

What did you learn in STAC so far? At first I thought what a simple question. I learned about color theory, film making, improve, a bit of photography and a whole lot of art and theater stuff. But like usual my first thought was wrong. I realized that I learned so much more than the facts. I learned a lot about myself, and I think that that is the most important thing STAC has done for me. I know that this sounds cheesy and generic but it’s the truth.

I am always saying “I was wrong” and “I realized later that...”, as you can see in my blogs. Part of the reason I change my mind about my opinions so often isn’t because I’m indecisive (actually that’s a whole other topic) or insecure about my first answer, but it’s because of STAC. I change my mind because I find new ways to look at things, like the question I am answering. I think differently now. I still think like me but the way I think is different. I think more, my brain gets caught up in analyzing and figuring things out. Nothing is simple or common any more. A color isn’t just a color but suddenly becomes a feeling and state of being. The trees aren’t brown, they are purple and green and blue. A photograph isn’t something pretty to look at but a way to pull certain emotions out from where it’s buried inside you. My mind works in strange ways now. I am beginning to notice a world I’m not familiar with and it’s scary. I didn’t think that I could change so much in just two short months, but still I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I feel bad for the people who make fun of STAC as being a cult or some group of weirdos. They don’t know how to make the most of their life and live by the unwritten rules of normalcy. I realized that first day of STAC that I am not normal. A friend pointed it out to me actually. Sometimes I say exactly what is one my mind and I’ll act exactly the way I feel like when I feel like it (hard to believe since I seem so shy in class right). Other than that I can’t exactly point out why I feel this way but I know that I don’t think like other people. I’m not saying that everyone thinks the same, because they don’t, but I am saying that the majority of people hold themselves back from being different like it’s a crime. STAC let me know that it’s my right, no, my privilege to act and think the way I feel like. I am not normal because there is no normal and I’m not afraid to show it. Ignore the fact that this paper is beginning to sound like a self help speech and realize with me that STAC is helping me uncover the little me inside that is disguised in the high school need to be normal.

Everyone is so free in class. I can describe everyone so easily and that not something I can do in a “normal” class because they all blend together like one person. STAC is full of individuality and I love that. I can be myself, which is difficult for me to explain. I’ve done what I can to translate my jumbled brain into words on this paper. STAC is another big step in “discovering who I am”, as they say.

Microexpessions

A couple of days ago I began watching the second season of a show called Lie To Me. I saw the first season at the beginning of the year but I didn’t think of it as anything special. It was my fall back show, I only watched it when I was bored and it was the only thing interesting enough to watch. But as I began to follow the show again I realized that I am beginning to see people more clearly now. You see, the show is about these scientist/psychologists/criminal investigation type people who specialize in lying. They can tell how a person feels and whether or not they are telling the truth or not just by looking at them. A raise of an eyebrow, the change in the angle of your mouth, how many times you blink, anything you do is a dead giveaway to how you are feeling; the universal signs of communication. Of course there are the easy ones to pick up, like crying as sadness and laughing as happiness. But the small changes in behavior that they teach about in the show are what fascinate me. I remember having a conversation with my mom where I completely tuned out her words and instead focused on her face, I found out a lot more them what her sentences would have told me. So, I did some research and I found out that the small changes are called microexpressions The Wikipedia definition is: is a brief, involuntary facial expression shown on the face of humans when one is trying to conceal or repress an emotion. Anyway, when I watched T.V. that night it became very clear to me who was ehh and who had the extra spark. The ones who were more interesting for me to watch were the ones who used microexpressions. This reminded me of when Mr. DeLalio replayed the scenes of the two talks with Bela in the movie Kontroll (that movie is still running through my head).

out of kontroll

when i saw kontroll for the second time, i tired to look at the subtitles as little as possible. the first time through i focused too much on the words that the characters said and not enough on the meaning behind the words. i think that the best way to absorb the meaning behind the words, and to digest the movie in general is to look at the characters expressions. of course this can only been done with a movie such as kontroll where the characters are real ( i believed they were as i watched it).  it helped that it felt as if i wasn't looking at actors acting but of real people feeling real emotions. it reminded me of a documentary, the way all the footage is of peoples natural reactions.  it seemed as if they were in deep thought of  the situation the characters were in, especially the scenes of both Buscul's and Sofie's talk with Bela. I'm trying to work on not acting like a character but feeling like a character. no matter how hard you try and fake it you can never be anyone else but yourself, so you should use your own emotions. it was almost as if Buscul (?) made the character his instead of the other way around. its hard to explain, but i see it as adapting to a certain situation and then taking what you've got and running with it. 

anyway, i already knew where the plot was going and i was even beginning to memorize the conversations, so i was able to allow myself to view the movie in a new light. i realized that i had missed so many clues that were right there on the characters faces. like the way Buscul's hand twitches exactly like the killers when he is anticipating something, or the way Tibi lowers his head when he is with the professor or Buscul and puffs up his chest when he asks for tickets.