We Come to Dream

Today I went over Courtney's house to film the commercial about her. I'm not going to lie, I was freakin scared. Last year I was a newbie, so I knew that I could always fall back on the oldies if I screwed up. We sink or swim together right? But now, I'm the oldie that is supposed to know what I'm doing, and my nerves and insecurity got to me and I felt like I didn't know what I was doing at times. I had to keep reminding myself why I was doing this. It's not because Luke assigned the commercials to be filmed by me. I could have easily said no, I really don't think it will come out well, Can I take the next one? But, I didn't. Why? Because I want to do it. I want to film the commercial and help direct Ellen with hers. I know that I could do it. I know this stuff, and even if it comes out like shit, it can't be that bad and I know that at least I'm learning. Courtney and I work really well together and even if this first try is really bad we will end up with a decent commercial. Today may have been great and it may have been shit, but at least we actually went out and did it. It's really hard to make shit twice. This is starting to sound like a pep talk.

No Labels

I messed up. I didn't do my best in STAC this quarter and I can't blame it anything but myself. I didn't keep up with blogging and I know that my portfolio could have been a lot better. I hate this. I hate that I do this. I KNOW I'm messing up when I mess up. I know this and yet I keep doing it.

Blogger is one of my top visited sites. It's right there every time I open Safari. It used to be the first site I clicked. Now I avoid it. I look over its name on the frequently visited and pretend it's not there. I feel guilty, so guilty that I can't even look at it. Tomorrow will be the beginning of the first week of the new quarter. I can't screw up this quarter, I can't screw up this entire year. I feel like shit right now and I don't want this feeling to ever come again. At the end of last year, the entire class was going on a roll. We were banging things out like machines and I loved it. I felt like I was doing something right, like I had a purpose. But now I just feel sick. Like there isn't even a point because everything I do will suck. I know this isn't true. It's just the feeling I get when I'm being lazy. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's like Im sleeping through life and every one and every thing is racing past me while I'm left behind.

I had trouble coming up with a daily practice. I guess I felt intimidated, not by one person in particular, but by every artist in the world. What could I possibly do that could measure up? Nothing. What am I anyway? Am I a writer? Should I write everyday like I did last year? Or was I more of a listener? An observer of life? Am I an actress? An Artist? And then I realized... who the f*** cares? Colleges maybe, but I don't want to think about that right now, I'm not ready to label myself just yet.

So heres what I am going to do:

I am going to continue with what I started last year. I am going to write a conversation everyday. Not a scene, just a conversation between two people. It doesn't matter from who. I can get inspiration from actual conversations that I hear in life, from movies, books, music, anything. I will follow the same rules I set up last year.

But, I know that I have a horrible work ethic and I get bored very easily so I will expand my practice to posting at least one thing that I find interesting or one thing that I do that is creative.

This could be anything, a piece of writing, a drawing, a photo, as well as the conversations.

My practice may be mostly conversations with a few other things thrown in there and it may be about equal. I don't know. The other things I include may spark conversations. I could post a picture and the next day write something based off of it. I like the freedom of being able to do anything, but also having something that I started last year to work and expand on.

Bold Optimism.