We Come to Dream

Today I went over Courtney's house to film the commercial about her. I'm not going to lie, I was freakin scared. Last year I was a newbie, so I knew that I could always fall back on the oldies if I screwed up. We sink or swim together right? But now, I'm the oldie that is supposed to know what I'm doing, and my nerves and insecurity got to me and I felt like I didn't know what I was doing at times. I had to keep reminding myself why I was doing this. It's not because Luke assigned the commercials to be filmed by me. I could have easily said no, I really don't think it will come out well, Can I take the next one? But, I didn't. Why? Because I want to do it. I want to film the commercial and help direct Ellen with hers. I know that I could do it. I know this stuff, and even if it comes out like shit, it can't be that bad and I know that at least I'm learning. Courtney and I work really well together and even if this first try is really bad we will end up with a decent commercial. Today may have been great and it may have been shit, but at least we actually went out and did it. It's really hard to make shit twice. This is starting to sound like a pep talk.

No Labels

I messed up. I didn't do my best in STAC this quarter and I can't blame it anything but myself. I didn't keep up with blogging and I know that my portfolio could have been a lot better. I hate this. I hate that I do this. I KNOW I'm messing up when I mess up. I know this and yet I keep doing it.

Blogger is one of my top visited sites. It's right there every time I open Safari. It used to be the first site I clicked. Now I avoid it. I look over its name on the frequently visited and pretend it's not there. I feel guilty, so guilty that I can't even look at it. Tomorrow will be the beginning of the first week of the new quarter. I can't screw up this quarter, I can't screw up this entire year. I feel like shit right now and I don't want this feeling to ever come again. At the end of last year, the entire class was going on a roll. We were banging things out like machines and I loved it. I felt like I was doing something right, like I had a purpose. But now I just feel sick. Like there isn't even a point because everything I do will suck. I know this isn't true. It's just the feeling I get when I'm being lazy. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's like Im sleeping through life and every one and every thing is racing past me while I'm left behind.

I had trouble coming up with a daily practice. I guess I felt intimidated, not by one person in particular, but by every artist in the world. What could I possibly do that could measure up? Nothing. What am I anyway? Am I a writer? Should I write everyday like I did last year? Or was I more of a listener? An observer of life? Am I an actress? An Artist? And then I realized... who the f*** cares? Colleges maybe, but I don't want to think about that right now, I'm not ready to label myself just yet.

So heres what I am going to do:

I am going to continue with what I started last year. I am going to write a conversation everyday. Not a scene, just a conversation between two people. It doesn't matter from who. I can get inspiration from actual conversations that I hear in life, from movies, books, music, anything. I will follow the same rules I set up last year.

But, I know that I have a horrible work ethic and I get bored very easily so I will expand my practice to posting at least one thing that I find interesting or one thing that I do that is creative.

This could be anything, a piece of writing, a drawing, a photo, as well as the conversations.

My practice may be mostly conversations with a few other things thrown in there and it may be about equal. I don't know. The other things I include may spark conversations. I could post a picture and the next day write something based off of it. I like the freedom of being able to do anything, but also having something that I started last year to work and expand on.

Bold Optimism.

Movie? What Movie?

I tried not to think about the movie over the weekend. So go ahead and ask me the name, because I don't know it (actually I do). It was difficult to take my mind off the movie, but I don't want to write about my opinion of it so far because I want to see the entire film first. It wouldn't be fair to write about it on my blog when I haven't fully absorbed it in yet. That would be like judging a book by its cover. Of course I already know that I really like the movie and my opinion on it probably wouldn't change. But still, writing about it would be like critiquing a painting that you only saw half of. Does it even matter if the half you saw you liked? I'm not making any scene.

Anyway, this week we alternated between book binding workshop and working on our scrips. My group was first up for book binding. At first I was really frustrated. It takes a lot of patience to bind books. I cursed more that day that I ever did my entire time in high school. But after a deep breath, some help from fellow classmates and some reassuring words from Carl, I managed to enjoy making my little book. It came out better than I expected. That might be because at the rate I was going, I expected cardboard paper throw up.

It was very easy to work with my Be Kind Rewind group. Although we did get side tracked a couple of times we did get a lot done. Whenever we would get stuck someone would suggest something and we would all jump right into it again. I love the way ideas flow between us. I love doing projects like this. STAC is so much different from my other classes where the more people in a group makes it harder to work together. But with us more people mean better results.

Be Kind Rewind 2

These batch of Be Kind Rewind films were all so amazing! They improved so much from last year. We have learned so much so far. Writing the synopsis's for the Prisoner defiantly helped us in getting things done simply and quickly. I think that the problem last year was that no one (especially my group) focused on a concrete plot. But this year, our ideas were all over the place and building off of each other, and we still managed to pull a story together. We took the process very seriously, but I think that that was necessary to get the results we got. It's funny now to think about how we had intelligent conversations about the motives of a stuffed unicorn. I think we should defiantly do these projects more often.

Lazy Entertainment

Earlier this week we watched the Prisoner. It was a confusing episode, but I liked it much better than last week's episode with the election. Its like I want to not like the Prisoner because it is so confusing and doesn't make any sense at some points. But I can't because I like how it is confusing, it makes you think. I hate lazy entertainment, where you don't have to put any effort in. With the Prisoner, it constantly forces you to pay attention. Its like a thriller in a way, you are always at the edge of your seat and on the tips of your toes. If I had to pick a model episode to summarize what the prisoner is so far, this would be the one I would pick. I know that picking just one is pretty much impossible because they are all so different, but I think that this episode had the perfect amount of mystery and craziness with a reasonable plot behind it.

We had two days of STAC art today to work on the Busby Berkley projects. I did this exact project freshmen year in Gane's art class, but I am glad that I'm doing it again. I can already see how my art has progressed since the beginning of high school.

We also watched To Sir With Love on Firday. At first, I thought that the movie was predictable and that there was nothing fresh and new about it. But then I realized that it was made years before the movies that I was comparing it to. It was the original and all the ones that came after it are predictable because they took from this movie. I'll include more about this in my review.

Liminality

The second phychogeography assignment asked us to photograph "liminal spaces", meaning spaces in-between.

I interpreted liminal spaces to mean a space that is neither one thing or the other. Liminal spaces are places where a little bit of two environments are present, but neither one dominates the space. With this limitation, I photographed areas around my own environment, my house, that had two different feels to them. I took pictures of places where you were able to see two different rooms or spaces at once.

Lost

What a crazy week.

Earlier in the week we improved at the community center. I gained a lot from that. I was nervous about auditioning for the school play, but improv reminded me that I've done this before, that I have all of freshmen year in theater class and last year in STAC to fall back on. I was a bit more reassured, but my nerves did not go away. I haven't been acting all summer, and I really needed to refresh my memory. I needed to remember how to give myself up to a character I've created. I don't think I'll be any less nervous on Monday, but at least now when I walk in and see the director staring at me, I won't view him a species from an alien planet.

We've also been practicing writing synopsis's and log lines. At, first it was difficult to summarize all of your ideas into a small paragraph or line. It was one major problem I had all of last year. For every improv we had to perform we were given little time to organize our ideas. Those who were able to come up with only the major points were able to improv something amazing, but most of the time we would get caught up in details and then have a great beginning with no where to take it. This skill will come in handy when we do out Be Kind Rewind films.

The part of the week that overshadows the the rest would be the spy game.

Wow.

I went to a really dark place, looking back at it I see myself becoming a monster. I've always thought of myself as a pretty honest person, it's scary when you find out that you are wrong. I've created an image for myself and my fellow STACies and that image was shattered. People will do whatever it takes to survive, even if dying only means you're out of the game. I think that everybody, myself included took it way too seriously. I cannot say that I wish we never played though. I think it was an interesting experience. Somebody compared it to Lord of the Flies, while it was not that intense, it did give us a glimpse of what may happen if we were to become stranded on a deserted island. Even if I became a little scared, I thought that it was fun. It was really interesting to read people, and to be able to see somebody when they are vulnerable and sneaky. I can't wait to discuss this in class.

Broken Bits and Pieces

People tend to strive for perfection. They want the perfect job, the perfect spouse, the perfect children they could line-up for Grandparents to see in their neat clean, -and perfect- Sunday School outfits. I personally think that perfection is boring. Evenly cut grass, and wrinkle-free shirts are of no interest to me. I like the chaos of imperfection. It makes life, and art for that matter, a lot more intersting. For this project, I decided that I was only going to shoot things that were cracked, smashed, disassembled, abandoned and basically anything that had flaws. So with the word "broken" in my mind I went searching for the pictures. I ended up shooting things that some might see as useless.

Murder

So, I just spend the last three hours not doing my homework and instead thinking of ways to kill people.

Yup.

I am really getting into this spy stuff. Now that the class has advanced to phase three (or something like that) things are really getting interesting. I am even paranoid about what I am going to write here. I wouldn't want to give anything away now would I? It's frustrating in a way. I want to talk about this game with everyone, but I know that I can't do that. You can't trust anyone nowadays.

Earlier this week, we watched the second episode of "The Prisoner". It amazes me how much they can include in one episode, even if it is an hour long. They each seem like movies to me. I wonder if they would ever run out of possibilities. But then again, can you ever run out of possibilities when you are a spy? They are even going to get into mind control.

Patrick McGoohan simply amazes me. I love the way he does something very small, like raise an eyebrow a millimeter and he has you asking all of these questions. You immediately begin to wonder what he is thinking and it makes him seem ten times wiser. You think you know something in this show, and then McGoohan would tilt his head back slightly and you have no idea.

The Blob

Wow. It feels like summer never happened, as if school continued on as usual and then suddenly all your classes are changed and the seniors are gone. But, at the same time, it feels as if a lot has changed, like you changed over the summer and you just don't know what changed yet.

STAC is back in session! This was the class that I have been looking forward to. I can't wait to experience all the new things that this year will bring. Even though I absolutely hate routine, I can't wait to get back into the swing of things again. This year will be different, as all years are different. No more laziness , I will try to get serious.

Today we started to watch "The Prisoner". What an interesting and weird story that was. It was kind of like the past two movies I saw, "Shutter Island" and "Inception", where it messes with reality and paranoia. It also reminded me of a little project that me and Ashley were working on during the summer, although we ended up going in a different direction. In this little project was the story of a sand monster who would attack couples at the park, much like that creepy blob bubble in "The Prisoner".

Also, the new spy assignments are getting me exited.

Weekly Update

This week, starting tomorrow, we will start filming! Yay! We will get as much of the classroom stuff filmed as we can. I can't wait to see how everything will look with the camera.

Anyway, I've been having trouble with my daily practice lately and I feel like poop because of it. It's not hard do actually do, it's just really hard to get stared once I've stopped. I'm going to stop being an idiot and just start now.

Workshop 5 :(

Today in workshop we started off (after the meditating) creating situations in our head that would make us scared. At first Jim Bonney talked us through it. He made us picture walking through a park on a cold winters day and being handed a sick baby. The person who handed us the baby then ran away and no one would help us. We were then able to come up with the rest in our own heads. Fear is the most difficult emotion for me to bring up when I act. I kept going into anger and sadness. I feel like I keep that emotion buried so deep that it's easier for me to bring up anything else.

We also worked with scenes. These had more backstory, but it was fun when we improvised them and cameup with the situations ourselves. I worked with Alex and his character was trying to convince me that the rumor going around about him and my mother was false. My character believed everything and even blamed it on herself. It became really interseting when Jim Bonney raised the stakes so that Alex slept with my mother and I knew this but only stayed with him for the money. It was so much easier this way. My character had a reason to go along with everything he said. Without this I just acted like an idiot who couln't see what was right in front of her.

Workshop 4

Todays workshop was great. We did a lot of the same warming up exercises that we usually do, but this time was different. Instead of releasing our bad energy away from us, we soaked up all of the good energy. We were happy, dancing around and couldn't stop laughing. It felt amazing. I love feeling connected with the rest of the group.

Later, we worked on some scripts. He had us pair up and then one at time the pairs would go up to act. Each time the situation was different. We all had the same words, but we each put our own meaning behind it to show a different story. This really emphasized that the words are just words until you do something with them. I paired with Becky and our little back story was that we were best friends and my boyfriend got her pregnant. It was intense. I wanted to kill her and protect her at the same time. Everyone did an amazing job today, I don't want this workshop to end.

Workshop 3

I got a little more emotional during this workshop then I have so far. When we did our support circle exercise, I was one of the students that went in the middle to "absorb all of the good energy" from the others. It was weird. I didn't actually go all the way for any emotion that I experienced, but I experienced a lot. At first I felt happy, but then the group all put their hands on my shoulders and I was told to "release my inner child, when this happened I became really sad. I almost started crying. It was over really fast though and I went back into a shaky state and then again back to happy. Later we listened to "Iris" by the goo goo dolls. Many people got emotional from this. Again, I didn't go all the way, but quickly experienced many emotions. The song did not effect me as much as the emotional responses from the people around me did. After spending so much time connecting with each other, it was hard to see them upset, and I became upset.

Fourth Quarter Project

For my what-I-do-when-I'm-not-in-a-workshop Project, I am going to reunite with my film group to try and do a remake of our movie that is ten times better. For the beginning of this week, I'm hoping to fix our script and add more Father/Jenny and Tim/Jenny scenes. I really want to explore the characters and make them deeper. So far we re-wrote the ending, this time Jenny is a much stronger person than she originally was. When we are done with this we will start filming again. Maybe we can get a classroom scene in on Thursday.

When the entire movie project is over, I want to write scenes and film some of them (if we have time).

Workshop 2

I left workshop on Friday feeling a little more steady than I did when workshop was over on Wednesday. On wednesday I left feeling relieved but also shaky, like anything could push me to the extremes of my emotions. This time I was more sure of the way I felt, which was happy.

At the beginning of the workshop we all laid down in a circle while Mr. Jim made us visualize a forest. He made us imagine finding a child in the forrest, and eventually we discovered that the child was ourselves. I thought that this was really interesting. At the end of workshop a couple of the girls and I were talking about how badly we treat ourselves, but we will do anything to protect the child within us. This reminded me about something that Mr. Jim said about how the best thing we can do for ourselves is acknowledge the way we are feeling. If you are angry, you should accept that you are angry and not try to hide it from your inner child because that's the only way you can find her again (or something like that).

We also listened to a song about loneliness while we swayed together in a giant group hug. I felt so surrounded and safe after this. It's funny how music can influence you so much.

Workshop 1

Workshop today was so different but at the same time so familiar.

At the beginning of workshop, we had a meditation like exercise, where we would concentrate on breathing and clearing our heads. We did something like this in Joy Hoopers workshop as well. But it was different this time, I'm not sure why. I guess it's because everything else is different, time has passed, we're in a different environment with different people and a different workshop teacher.

We then did a series of exercising that had to do with repeating, much like we do in STAC but he gave us the words or sentences that had to be repeated. It got very loud, and I liked it. I was amazed at how one simple little word like "no" can change you. You can be thinking about nothing in particular but once you start repeating no you become angry or powerful depending on who you are repeating with. At the end of the series of different repeating exercises I felt relived, like I'd been holding everything in and now that I let it out I was the strongest person alive and that nothing could stop me. It was a very interesting experience.

Towards the end, we played the machine game and then "meditated"some more, this was a nice way of winding down. I felt like I could burst into any emotion if I didn't.

Big Book Presentations

My poor blog, I have abandoned you. I am sorry.

Anyway... today was an interesting day. I think that I might have prepared too much as crazy as that sounds. Or maybe it was that I didn't prepare enough. Either way, the presentation did not go the way that I wanted it to.

I basically scripted all of the main points that I wanted to say on index cards but when I went to present, everything on the index cards where forgotten. This is because I was a nervous reck. I didn't expect to be nervous at all. I was actually pretty calm as I waited for my turn and I thought that because I am usually very comfortable with the STACies it would be easy to talk in front of them. Boy was I wrong. I don't know what happened but things came out of my mouth that I didn't even prepare. I wasn't even sure what I was saying. New ideas kept popping up. I originally wanted to talk about emotions and Pert's theory of mind-body connectivity but I ended up going on little rant after little rant. I'm not sure if people understood them. I'm glad that I came with notes though, because in between the babbling I would loose my train of thought and have to look down at my notes to pick up again. But whenever I looked down to remember where I was, my notes where behind what I was saying. This caused awkward pauses.

I honestly do not remember what I said other than, "opiate drugs", and "um". I need to learn to calm myself down and talk slower so that I know what's coming out of my mouth. From what I know today, I could have given a speech about clam chowder.

Stream Of Consciousness

This is just a short post. I just wanna write to clear my head. I am beginning to see a pattern.I start my daily practice at around 11:30 to 11:59 every night. I don't know why I wait until the day is almost over. I guess I could say that it's procrastination, but I have fun doing it. Don't people procrastinate when they have to do something that they don't want to? The practices are getting easier and easier to write. I usually make little mental notes in my head when I overhear something that is worthy enough to write about, but by the time that I sit down to write it, the conversation goes in a completely different direction. 

Oh and also, the super bowl commercials are in every way artistic. So, if you find yourself buying ridicules amount of doritoes, blame the artists. 

That is all. 

Day 2

11:51 Day 2 and i almost missed it. I didn't forget, I've been thinking about this all day and starting conversations in my head. i keep rejecting them. but if Im going to write 365 conversations not all of them are going to be decent, so i cant worry about that right? and its great if i get inspiration, but I shouldn't be thinking of them in my head, the best ones come when i write it as if it were unscripted, as if the people were really saying it. woah, ok 11:54. I better start before its too late

Person A: You were real funny in math this morning. The comment about her butt, I tried so hard not to laugh. 

Person B: Oh thanks. I didn't know you heard me.

Person A: I was just listening. You keep me from falling asleep in that class, its so boring. 

Person B: Oh...uh, yeah it is. Um thanks. 

Person A: So, did you get the math homework?

Person B: Yeah. (silence), Why do you need it? 

Person A: Oh no, actually did you understand number five? 

Person B: That was the one with the- uh we had to graph that one right?

Person A: Yeah. 

Person B: Oh, ok. the answer was I think "C".  yeah it was hard.

Person A: Yeah

Person B: Yup

Person A: Ok well thanks, see ya.

Person B: Um, wait uh, did you get number 7?

Person A: I dont remember.

Person B: Oh. yeah i dont remember half the stuff we do in that class too. haha

Person A: (shrugs shoulders)

Person B: I cant understand anything she says and then she gives us so much homework.

Person A: I guess.

Person B: Like, we have four sheets today. 

Person A: I dont know, i got to go. 

Person B: Oh ok, well ill see you around maybe, haha math tomorrow, yeah alrighty then... 

Person A: (gone)

I'm not sure if the conversations clear enough or if i should at least put titles. Ehh I want people to interoperate it differently. 

day 1

Person A: You just passed it.

Person B: No.

Person A: Yeah you did. See that turn there? You were supposed go through the gas station to go there. See?

Person B: What are you talking about?

Person A: We have to go all the way around now.

Person B: You think you know everything.

Person A: No I don't.

Person B: You think you know more than me about driving? Ehh? You think you know more than me?

Person A: No. I never said that. 

Person B: Idiot, i've been here a hundred times. I know where im going. 

Person A: No you don't because we're going the wrong way! 

Person B: (sarcastically) yeah.

Person A: Yeah? Im right. You know I'm right, thats why you ignore me. We are going to freaking canada now!

Person B: You think you know more than me about this? You don't know anything. Don't you dare tell me what to do.

Person A: I'm not! What are you saying?  You think you know everything.

Person B: I know more than you. Its just ahead, see idiot. 

Person A: Fine. Whatever.

Person B: Where the hell are we?

new religion

If I were the world, the world would revolve around me. I would not revolve around myself if I weren't the world. 

This is not a poem, or anything of the sort. I just needed to say something without really saying it, like the Beetles song. I was impressed as to how John Lenin confessed to an affair by song and nothing really was reveled. 

Anyway I was thinking, I really enjoyed writing those few scrips that we wrote in my theater class last year, not so much for the stories I wrote, but because I found it interesting how different people I made up would respond to each other. So, for my 365 I was wondering if I could write a conversation a day. Not conversations that I hear throughout the day (although I could be inspired by one)  but ones that I make up. I want to explore how characters can express themselves using words and by not actually saying what they are feeling. Like Luke once said, sometimes when we ask if someone would like a cup of tea, we mean something completely different. They would be between two people, and a story doesn't have to be involved, i just want to see how these two people communicate. they could be short and sweet or long and dramatic. 

take 2

I took the enneagram test again for three reasons, I hated how different tests got me different answers, I was spread into multiple categories and it bothered me that my personality jumps around as much as my actions, and the third reason was that I really did not want to be the passive nine with self-esteem issues. I want to be the person that goes out and does things. 

So here are my results, I included the wings too: 

Wing 9w8 - 12
Wing 7w8 - 10.7
Wing 9w1 - 10.7
Wing 8w9 - 10.5
Wing 7w6 - 10.2
Wing 8w7 - 9.9
Wing 6w7 - 8.9

ugh this just made my life so much more complicated. im going to call myself mostly a 9 with a little bit of 7 and 8 thrown in there from now on. 

update: 

i just went to another website and i scored an eleven for type 7, a five for type 4 and 8, and a negative three for type 9. what!?? the rest were negative scores as well. i give up. 

types

Type 9 - 10.3
Type 7 - 5.7
Type 8 - 3.3
Type 1 - 2

the other test i took gave me a type 2 and then a type 7. i dont know what to believe. i really didn't expect a nine.

me again

I thought I didn’t know myself.  I sometimes act like a teenager and yell, "you don’t understand me" at my mother when I"m angry. I say that thinking to myself that I don’t know who I am either. But today I found out that although I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I haven’t quite figured out what I do that hold me back, I know myself more than I ever thought possible at my age. The three core values and issues not only define me as an artist but as a person as a whole.

 Core Values 

Individuality-

For me individuality is having control over whom I am and the decisions that I make in my life. I want be exactly who I want to be even if I don’t know who I want to be. I want to have the freedom to decide whether or not I want to be or do something. I am having problems with my father in that he goes against everything that makes me happy. I feel like imp losing myself because I'm not allowed to decide on what I want to do. I don’t even have the change to try new things in order to figure out what I like. So, having the control to be myself is very important to me. When I act I get the change to take control of the character in a way. Even if I get lost in the character I’m still the one that ultimately makes all the decisions. Mhh I guess this one turned out to be more like Control. Thanks Nina, you were right.

 

Change-

I absolutely hate it when things are constant and the same. I hate structure. I need things to be different and new. I make a commitment to myself to rearrange the furniture in my room at least once a month. I also tend to change interests a lot. I don’t like conforming to society and I try to be as different as possible. I usually make a fool out of myself, but I will rather make a fool out of my self then be like everyone else. It’s so much more fun. In art I like experimenting with different ways of expression. That’s why I love STAC so much. In STAC I can be as unique as I want to be and I can explore the arts in so many different ways.

 

Emotion-

It’s not so much the actual feelings themselves but what triggers them. I was always fascinated by dreams because they can uncover what’s really causing you to feel a certain way. Movies do the same thing. When you watch a really good movie, you can always figure out what’s bothering you in your really life based on the emotional situation that the characters are in. its almost like the need we all have within us to express ourselves that artist sustain by creating and non-artist sustain by experiencing other peoples art.

 

Issues

 

Change-

This issue is the same as one of my core values because I think that change is something that I just need, but also something that can hold me back. Either way change shows up not in the actual outcome of something artistic, but in the process of creating art. Very often when I draw, I start out with a very clear image in my head. I usually end up about two thirds of the way done before I lose inspiration, get bored of it and something better comes along. I then spend the last few hours erasing the drawing completely and starting with something new. The original drawing is what inspired the second one, which to me can stay in my head long enough for me to complete before I feel like I need to change again.

 

Language/communication-

I grew up with two immigrant parents who were still at he begining steps of learning English when I was born. So when I went to school I knew one-third English, one-third Spanish and one-third Greek and spoke them all at the same time. I kind of spoke like this, “ mami moo por favor give me un baso de gala” (mom, can you please give me a glass of milk). I was put into ESL through out elementary school, and I still have a bit of a mixed accent today. When growing up I was always embarrassed of the way I spoke and subsequently didn’t speak much. I was the quiet girl in the back of the class. I think that it really shows now when I act, I tent to always pick a character with an accent while doing improv. I also like art because it’s a different way of communicating.

 

 

a bad blog

I Found myself smiling for no reason when I came home on Friday. I was happy for the first time in a long time. Truly happy, not just when you laugh for a while and then it goes away. I felt full, as if nothing was missing at that moment. I didn’t want anything. 

I had a lot of fun making the movie on Friday. We laughed at everything. But I wasn’t happy because I had fun making the movie. I was happy because I had the chance to make the movie. The movie may turn out to be wonderful and it may not but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve given up on worrying, or at least I’m trying to. I'm trying to put all of myself into something that makes me happy. I hate it when I second-guess myself and I become embarrassed. I hate it when I hold back. I may suck at doing something but I’ll never know unless I try. I used to hate that saying, "you'll never know unless you try", I wanted to yell out "I don’t want to try because I already know whets going to happen!” the truth is that I don’t. Nobody knows what will happen to his or her life. 

So, I will be happy from now on. I want to feel full again. I wont allow myself to bring in negative energy. My New Years Resolution is to not ruin what makes me happy. 

 I'm not really sure where this blog is going. I almost want to delete it and pretend that I never sat down to write it in the first place. I keep changing where it's going. There is no point. But, I will post the blog anyway. Not because I want to write something that is bad, but because I don’t want to doubt myself anymore. If I never submit anything imp not proud of, then how can I get to that place where I'm proud of something?

stac is google and website peice

I was watching a news piece on google headquarters and they were talking about how the environment is just like grad school where a group of very talented people who love what they do get together to expand their minds and create. the C.E.O of google headquarters says that the employes work as if they are playing because to them their work is fun. hmmm what does this remind you of...

anyway here is the rough draft of a possible STAC website piece

Guggenheim, Metropolitan and Fuerzabruta Trip

 

The only reason we like school trips as much as we do is because we get to have a day, or at least a few periods off from school. Think about it, do you really say to yourself, ‘this will be amazing! I can’t wait to learn all about the process of constructing ships!’ before you are shuffled onto a bus by teachers that will rather be anywhere else but there? No, you’re only happy because you get to leave school in the middle of the day and maybe, just maybe, they’ll take you out for quesadillas later. You don’t really want to be there but you have no choice. How else are you going to skip school with your friends and not get in trouble for it? It’s different this year, at least for me, because I’m in STAC.  I can actually get exited about what I’m going to learn on trips and I feel like I have a choice.

I was surprised when the bus dropped us off at the train station and Mr. DeLalio handed everyone metro cards and maps of New York City with instructions to meet at Fuerzabruta at eight. That’s it. It was our responsibility to navigate the city by our selves and it was up to us to visit the Guggenheim and Metropolitan museums. Besides the text updates we had to send to our chaperones every couple of hours, we were independent until eight o’clock. We made all of the decisions. When I realized that the only person responsible for me was myself I snapped out of my freshmen state of mind and began to think like an adult for the first time in my life. We were safe, the school made sure of it, but we still felt like lions prowling the concrete jungle. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true.

I wondered why we were given so much freedom. But I soon found that the answer is simple, we deserve it. We’re not like others our age. When I go on trips in my other classes we are treated like children. We are watched over because who knows what we’ll get into if we’re not. After all, our attention spans lasts for no more than three minutes. We don’t fool around on STAC trips because the actual trip is enjoyable and we like learning about what we are going to see. At the museums we would burst into in dept conversations about the art and debate about concepts beyond our age. I remember questioning the maturity of others around us.

Of course we acted like teenagers when we joked around with each other, went out for lunch and explored the city taking thousands of artistic pictures, but what was more important was the new way we saw things after the trip. The first STAC trip to the museums and Fuerzabruta (a show so mind blowing it deserves its own section) let me know that the rest of the year was going to be something way different then what I would have ever experienced in high school.