a bad blog

I Found myself smiling for no reason when I came home on Friday. I was happy for the first time in a long time. Truly happy, not just when you laugh for a while and then it goes away. I felt full, as if nothing was missing at that moment. I didn’t want anything. 

I had a lot of fun making the movie on Friday. We laughed at everything. But I wasn’t happy because I had fun making the movie. I was happy because I had the chance to make the movie. The movie may turn out to be wonderful and it may not but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve given up on worrying, or at least I’m trying to. I'm trying to put all of myself into something that makes me happy. I hate it when I second-guess myself and I become embarrassed. I hate it when I hold back. I may suck at doing something but I’ll never know unless I try. I used to hate that saying, "you'll never know unless you try", I wanted to yell out "I don’t want to try because I already know whets going to happen!” the truth is that I don’t. Nobody knows what will happen to his or her life. 

So, I will be happy from now on. I want to feel full again. I wont allow myself to bring in negative energy. My New Years Resolution is to not ruin what makes me happy. 

 I'm not really sure where this blog is going. I almost want to delete it and pretend that I never sat down to write it in the first place. I keep changing where it's going. There is no point. But, I will post the blog anyway. Not because I want to write something that is bad, but because I don’t want to doubt myself anymore. If I never submit anything imp not proud of, then how can I get to that place where I'm proud of something?