take 2

I took the enneagram test again for three reasons, I hated how different tests got me different answers, I was spread into multiple categories and it bothered me that my personality jumps around as much as my actions, and the third reason was that I really did not want to be the passive nine with self-esteem issues. I want to be the person that goes out and does things. 

So here are my results, I included the wings too: 

Wing 9w8 - 12
Wing 7w8 - 10.7
Wing 9w1 - 10.7
Wing 8w9 - 10.5
Wing 7w6 - 10.2
Wing 8w7 - 9.9
Wing 6w7 - 8.9

ugh this just made my life so much more complicated. im going to call myself mostly a 9 with a little bit of 7 and 8 thrown in there from now on. 

update: 

i just went to another website and i scored an eleven for type 7, a five for type 4 and 8, and a negative three for type 9. what!?? the rest were negative scores as well. i give up. 

types

Type 9 - 10.3
Type 7 - 5.7
Type 8 - 3.3
Type 1 - 2

the other test i took gave me a type 2 and then a type 7. i dont know what to believe. i really didn't expect a nine.

me again

I thought I didn’t know myself.  I sometimes act like a teenager and yell, "you don’t understand me" at my mother when I"m angry. I say that thinking to myself that I don’t know who I am either. But today I found out that although I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and I haven’t quite figured out what I do that hold me back, I know myself more than I ever thought possible at my age. The three core values and issues not only define me as an artist but as a person as a whole.

 Core Values 

Individuality-

For me individuality is having control over whom I am and the decisions that I make in my life. I want be exactly who I want to be even if I don’t know who I want to be. I want to have the freedom to decide whether or not I want to be or do something. I am having problems with my father in that he goes against everything that makes me happy. I feel like imp losing myself because I'm not allowed to decide on what I want to do. I don’t even have the change to try new things in order to figure out what I like. So, having the control to be myself is very important to me. When I act I get the change to take control of the character in a way. Even if I get lost in the character I’m still the one that ultimately makes all the decisions. Mhh I guess this one turned out to be more like Control. Thanks Nina, you were right.

 

Change-

I absolutely hate it when things are constant and the same. I hate structure. I need things to be different and new. I make a commitment to myself to rearrange the furniture in my room at least once a month. I also tend to change interests a lot. I don’t like conforming to society and I try to be as different as possible. I usually make a fool out of myself, but I will rather make a fool out of my self then be like everyone else. It’s so much more fun. In art I like experimenting with different ways of expression. That’s why I love STAC so much. In STAC I can be as unique as I want to be and I can explore the arts in so many different ways.

 

Emotion-

It’s not so much the actual feelings themselves but what triggers them. I was always fascinated by dreams because they can uncover what’s really causing you to feel a certain way. Movies do the same thing. When you watch a really good movie, you can always figure out what’s bothering you in your really life based on the emotional situation that the characters are in. its almost like the need we all have within us to express ourselves that artist sustain by creating and non-artist sustain by experiencing other peoples art.

 

Issues

 

Change-

This issue is the same as one of my core values because I think that change is something that I just need, but also something that can hold me back. Either way change shows up not in the actual outcome of something artistic, but in the process of creating art. Very often when I draw, I start out with a very clear image in my head. I usually end up about two thirds of the way done before I lose inspiration, get bored of it and something better comes along. I then spend the last few hours erasing the drawing completely and starting with something new. The original drawing is what inspired the second one, which to me can stay in my head long enough for me to complete before I feel like I need to change again.

 

Language/communication-

I grew up with two immigrant parents who were still at he begining steps of learning English when I was born. So when I went to school I knew one-third English, one-third Spanish and one-third Greek and spoke them all at the same time. I kind of spoke like this, “ mami moo por favor give me un baso de gala” (mom, can you please give me a glass of milk). I was put into ESL through out elementary school, and I still have a bit of a mixed accent today. When growing up I was always embarrassed of the way I spoke and subsequently didn’t speak much. I was the quiet girl in the back of the class. I think that it really shows now when I act, I tent to always pick a character with an accent while doing improv. I also like art because it’s a different way of communicating.

 

 

a bad blog

I Found myself smiling for no reason when I came home on Friday. I was happy for the first time in a long time. Truly happy, not just when you laugh for a while and then it goes away. I felt full, as if nothing was missing at that moment. I didn’t want anything. 

I had a lot of fun making the movie on Friday. We laughed at everything. But I wasn’t happy because I had fun making the movie. I was happy because I had the chance to make the movie. The movie may turn out to be wonderful and it may not but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’ve given up on worrying, or at least I’m trying to. I'm trying to put all of myself into something that makes me happy. I hate it when I second-guess myself and I become embarrassed. I hate it when I hold back. I may suck at doing something but I’ll never know unless I try. I used to hate that saying, "you'll never know unless you try", I wanted to yell out "I don’t want to try because I already know whets going to happen!” the truth is that I don’t. Nobody knows what will happen to his or her life. 

So, I will be happy from now on. I want to feel full again. I wont allow myself to bring in negative energy. My New Years Resolution is to not ruin what makes me happy. 

 I'm not really sure where this blog is going. I almost want to delete it and pretend that I never sat down to write it in the first place. I keep changing where it's going. There is no point. But, I will post the blog anyway. Not because I want to write something that is bad, but because I don’t want to doubt myself anymore. If I never submit anything imp not proud of, then how can I get to that place where I'm proud of something?

stac is google and website peice

I was watching a news piece on google headquarters and they were talking about how the environment is just like grad school where a group of very talented people who love what they do get together to expand their minds and create. the C.E.O of google headquarters says that the employes work as if they are playing because to them their work is fun. hmmm what does this remind you of...

anyway here is the rough draft of a possible STAC website piece

Guggenheim, Metropolitan and Fuerzabruta Trip

 

The only reason we like school trips as much as we do is because we get to have a day, or at least a few periods off from school. Think about it, do you really say to yourself, ‘this will be amazing! I can’t wait to learn all about the process of constructing ships!’ before you are shuffled onto a bus by teachers that will rather be anywhere else but there? No, you’re only happy because you get to leave school in the middle of the day and maybe, just maybe, they’ll take you out for quesadillas later. You don’t really want to be there but you have no choice. How else are you going to skip school with your friends and not get in trouble for it? It’s different this year, at least for me, because I’m in STAC.  I can actually get exited about what I’m going to learn on trips and I feel like I have a choice.

I was surprised when the bus dropped us off at the train station and Mr. DeLalio handed everyone metro cards and maps of New York City with instructions to meet at Fuerzabruta at eight. That’s it. It was our responsibility to navigate the city by our selves and it was up to us to visit the Guggenheim and Metropolitan museums. Besides the text updates we had to send to our chaperones every couple of hours, we were independent until eight o’clock. We made all of the decisions. When I realized that the only person responsible for me was myself I snapped out of my freshmen state of mind and began to think like an adult for the first time in my life. We were safe, the school made sure of it, but we still felt like lions prowling the concrete jungle. I know that sounds corny, but it’s true.

I wondered why we were given so much freedom. But I soon found that the answer is simple, we deserve it. We’re not like others our age. When I go on trips in my other classes we are treated like children. We are watched over because who knows what we’ll get into if we’re not. After all, our attention spans lasts for no more than three minutes. We don’t fool around on STAC trips because the actual trip is enjoyable and we like learning about what we are going to see. At the museums we would burst into in dept conversations about the art and debate about concepts beyond our age. I remember questioning the maturity of others around us.

Of course we acted like teenagers when we joked around with each other, went out for lunch and explored the city taking thousands of artistic pictures, but what was more important was the new way we saw things after the trip. The first STAC trip to the museums and Fuerzabruta (a show so mind blowing it deserves its own section) let me know that the rest of the year was going to be something way different then what I would have ever experienced in high school.